


Conquering Need

by Phoenix_Emrys



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:19:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Emrys/pseuds/Phoenix_Emrys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack discovers that Daniel has a secret. The consequences of this revelation are more serious than he had anticipated.</p><p>Season 2, spoilers for Need.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unfinished Business

It was an absolutely gorgeous night. Jack looked up, taking in the spectacular stellar panorama flaunting itself expansively before his appreciative eyes.  Funny, after all the time he'd spent beneath alien skies in strange, new places it still felt  - odd, for the first second – to look to the heavens and not see any familiar stars winking back at him. 

Nice night.  Quiet.  Really quiet.  Yep, sure was quiet.  He supposed he should be grateful.  For once, this mission had been a walk in the park.  No Goa’ulds, bug-eyed monsters, pissed off primitives trying to take a piece out of them.  Just a whole bunch of ruined buildings and some spectacular scenery.  An archaeologist’s paradise.  Calm, serene, placid.  Gorgeous.  Really, really….quiet. 

God, he was bored!  If he looked over Daniel’s shoulder at one more wall with squiggles on it he was going to go insane.  Jack hated to admit it, but a part of him was desperately hoping something would come screaming out of the blackness at them, just to give him something to do.  Besides standing around scratching himself and going, “Uh Daniel, what the hell is this?” 

Confessions of an adrenaline junkie?  So crumbly old buildings didn't do it for him.  So he's rather shoot things than dig them up.  Like thos was news.  Oh well, it was a nice night.  The fire was nice. And here they all were, around the fire, under the stars, kicking back and making nice.  Carter and Teal’c were having a good time.  The captain was conversing animatedly with their otherworldly companion, and from the glint in his large, dark eyes, all was more than well with Teal'c.  Mind you, the man could find a way to look as if nothing was bothering him if he was standing on the deck of the Titanic.  Some gift.  More than once Jack found himself envying that seemingly endless well of serenity Teal’c appeared to be able to dip into so freely. 

Jack turned his attention to the last member of their party.  Who had been uncharacteristically quiet, almost eerily so, for the last couple of hours.  Daniel was sitting by himself, as far away from the rest of the group and the soothing warmth of the fire as he could manage without drawing attention to himself.  Daniel was with them, only just, and yet far enough away to be noticeably not a part of what was going on.  Noticeable at least to Jack. 

Odds were no one else had picked up on the fact all was not well with the archaeologist, but Jack missed precious little when it came to Daniel. 

Daniel had been sitting by himself not saying a word, playing the 'pay no attention to me, I'm fine' game for most of the evening.  Jack had to give him credit; he was doing a pretty good job at hiding just how bugged he really was.  Daniel was painfully aware how transparent he could be when he got worked up about something, so he'd been putting some serious effort lately into not letting anything he didn't want anyone else, most particularly the man now studying him so intently, to see.  Mainly because he was also well aware how good his best friend was at reading him. 

Daniel had gotten pretty good at subterfuge, certainly good enough to fool Carter and Teal'c. but not nearly good enough to snow his CO.  Despite his best efforts to put him off the scent, Jack could still read Daniel like a book.  Came from having to consult the volume so many damned times. 

The kid was doing his best to look as if he was sitting there like a bump on a log because he was too pooped to party. Doing his best and not succeeding, because Jack could read the subtle signs of Daniel's distress he'd never be good enough to completely conceal.  The tension in his jaw, the way the muscle in his cheek sporadically twitched, the bunched muscles beneath the hunched, rounded shoulders, the hands clenching and unclenching around the cup he was holding.  Daniel was smart enough to keep his head down, though.  Try as he might to camouflage his body language, his eyes gave him away every time, and Jack was betting right now those baby blues were speaking volumes. 

Whatever was eating at Daniel was major.  What it could be, Jack didn’t have the faintest clue.  Except to be positively certain for once, it wasn’t his fault.  He hadn't said or done a single thing to upset Daniel or set him off.  Had he?  Coulda sworn he hadn't.  Okay, there had been that crack about - but no, Daniel had glared at him, shook his head and then grinned a little bit.  No worries there.  He hadn't.  This wasn't about him.  He was sure. 

So if it wasn't him - what? 

The mission had been uneventful, a breeze.  Daniel had been in his glory.  Miles and miles of chicken scratches and he'd had all the time in the world to look at them.  Three solid days of mind-numbing boredom for Jack. Manna from heaven for Daniel.  Daniel had been the happiest camper in the universe, and Jack had been forced to admit a little boredom was worth it to see his friend like that, and now – this? 

This funk Daniel was in had started late in the afternoon.  Jack had left Daniel happily cavorting in his little fixer upper and had taken a much needed time out from playing his game of 'connect the dots on the nearest stone pillar' so he could greet Sam and Teal’c when they'd returned from their leisurely tour of the perimeter.  Jack had come back into the tumble-down temple to find Daniel sitting sprawled on the ground, his head bowed over something he was tightly clutching to his chest. 

“Whatcha got there?”  That’s all he'd said.  Really.  Nicely too.  He wasn't trying to pry; he was just being polite.  He'd assumed Daniel was getting all orgasmic over an unidentifiable piece of crap he'd just found, as per usual, and knowing how much Danny loved to spread his happiness around he was offering the kid an opportunity to share the joy.   He wasn't looking to start anything or get his head bit off; it wasn't his fault no one had informed him asking a simple question had suddenly become a major felony. 

Daniel’s head had shot up and he'd looked at Jack like he'd had just ripped the heart right out of Daniel's chest.  Jack had been so startled by the completely unexpected reaction he had taken a step back as if Daniel had just punched him right between the eyes.  Instantly an impenetrable curtain had veiled Daniel’s face; he'd guiltily jammed the trinket he was trying to hide into his pocket, scrambled to his feet and started to rush past Jack muttering, “nothing.  It’s nothing.  Just something I found.” 

Jack had grabbed Daniel's arm as he'd tried to sidle by him, and that's when he'd been totally blindsided by the LOOK. 

_ This is none of your business. I don’t want you here. Don’t ask me. Leave me alone. _

Daniel hadn't said a word, but those cold, stubborn blue eyes bore into him, freezing him out and warning him off at the same time.  There was no mistaking the meaning of that angry, adamant expression.  _Move it or lose it._

Jack had let go of him, stunned absolutely speechless.  Stood there gaping after the man who had just so resoundingly blown him off and was now making like a puff of smoke after making Jack feel like a criminal for having dared to give a damn. 

All he'd done was - and then Daniel had…  Crap.  What had just happened here?  He'd just been stonewalled.  Given the gate.    Shut out, locked and barred.  What the hell…? 

Jack hadn’t gotten much of a look at what had seemingly upset Daniel so much before he'd made it disappear, but from little he had been able to see he didn't get it. It looked like a piece of jewelry.  Something metal, with set stones.  Could have been a necklace, a bracelet, maybe.  It was hard to tell. But it definitely was jewelry. 

Huh? 

Whatever was bugging him, Daniel had immediately gone underground with it.  Jack had to admire the thoroughness with which Daniel set about not only avoiding him, but also keeping all indications of his true inner state hidden from his other teammates.  His portrayal of the happy-go-lucky archaeologist was flawless as he enthusiastically pitched in and did his share of the camp duties while the day wore into evening and they all sat down to the family dinner under the stars. 

Yup, Daniel was definitely getting good.  Sam and Teal’c didn’t notice anything was amiss with their archaeologist.  Although there damned well  was!  Jack could see it plain as day, even though Daniel was probably hoping he couldn't. He also couldn't help but notice Daniel didn't leave him any openings for more private conversations.  No fishing expeditions tonight.  So, he had no choice but to leave it alone. 

He had no justifiable concerns with regards to the mission giving him the excuse to press Daniel about his distress.  They were in no danger, Daniel had done nothing wrong, and his being in a bad mood was no problem for anyone except himself.  No grounds there. Daniel had emphatically slammed the door against his only other avenue of approach.  The desire to help a friend.  His help was apparently not wanted. 

Had the circumstances been different, Jack knew damned well he wouldn't have let this second barrier stop him.  But Sam and Teal’c were here; there were witnesses.  Jack had a funny feeling whatever was eating at Daniel was the kind of dirty laundry he would want aired around as few people as possible.  Even them. 

_ Okay, Dannyboy, we’ll play it your way for now.  But this isn’t over.  Not by a long shot. _

Jack sighed and slowly stood up.  “Well kids, I think it’s time to turn in.  We want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the morning.  Daniel?  You're gonna be able to wrap it up tomorrow?” 

_ Look at me.  Let me see your eyes. _

Not going to happen.  Daniel kept his head down, his answering response quick and bright.  A little too much of both.  Careful, kid, almost gave it away. 

“Sure, Jack.  No problems.” 

_ Geez, Danny, you’ve just lied to me. _

“Well, I guess that’s…that…then," Jack tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice as he looked at Daniel to see his friend staring stonily, deliberately away from him. "Teal’c," Jack announced gruffly.  "Your turn for first watch.  Now, lady and gentlemen, if you will excuse me, I think I need to take Mr. Happy for a walk.  Back in a shake.” 

Carter chortled as Jack melded into the night.  She looked at the men who remained with her, each in their turn, and then started to laugh again. 

“What is so amusing, Captain Carter?”  Teal’c asked. 

“Why do you guys do that?  Give pet names to your – ah – side arm, I mean?” 

“Perhaps DanielJackson would be a better one to ask," Teal'c replied smoothly.  "This custom is not practiced amongst my people.  We do not feel the need to address our body parts.” 

Sam shot him a look, trying to divine from his expression whether he was having her on or not.  No joy there, Teal'c face was as enigmatic as ever.  She gave up and looked to Daniel to take up the game. 

The spot where he'd been sitting was empty.  The archaeologist had slipped away and now appeared to be busying himself with his sleeping bag.  He was gathering it up, taking it out of the tent.  Sam continued to watch him, a little puzzled, as he walked out of the tent with a wad of bedding in his arms, crossed to a clear place on the ground about ten feet away from the fire, and then started laying it all out. 

“Daniel?”  She questioned gently. 

He paused to flash her a sheepish smile.  She thought for just a second it wavered and looked forced, but realized it must have been the way the uncertain light from the fire flickered across his features.  She'd been seeing things.  Hadn’t she? 

“It’s such a nice night,” he explained.  “I just feel like sleeping under the stars tonight.  It'll be like being back home again…” 

His voice trailed off.  He looked back down at what he was doing.  Sam felt a sudden pang of compassion as she realized when Daniel had said ‘home’, he hadn’t been referring to Earth.  She glanced over at Teal’c, who gave her a slight nod to acknowledge he'd come to the same conclusion.  Sam sighed, wishing she could think of something, anything to say that would maybe make Daniel feel a little better.  Some things there just were no consolation for. 

"Sweet dreams, Daniel," she said gently, then got to her feet and set off to get ready to bed down herself. 

Jack had been on his way back when he saw what Daniel was up to.  He hung back, letting the mantle of the night conceal him while he stood and watched and waited. 

_ Ah, so it’s THAT bad, is it Danny?  So bad you have to take yourself away from us?  Don’t trust what might come out of your mouth in your sleep?  Maybe Sam bought that ‘sleeping under the stars’ crap, but you’re not fooling me.  Not throwing me off the track that easily either. _

Still using the darkness as cover Jack crossed quietly over to where Teal’c had taken up his watch position.  Signaling to the Jaffa he had returned and was accounted for, Jack then ghosted back until he found a comfortable spot of night not too far from where Daniel was now cocooned in his sleeping bag.  Jack settled himself on the ground and took up his own vigil, fully aware of Teal’c's eyes on him through the blackness.  It wouldn’t take the Jaffa long to put it together, especially as soon as what Jack knew was going to happen – started to happen.  Well, maybe they could keep Carter out of it at least. 

Fortunately Daniel's bad dreams held off until Jack had changed watches with Teal’c.  As soon as the troubled sounds indicating what he'd been waiting for had started Jack stole silently toward his slumbering quarry, feeling like an intruder as he crept toward the man who was tossing and softly muttering in his sleep.  As much as he hated ‘eavesdropping’ on his friend like this, Jack needed information, and this just might be the only way he was going to get it. 

At first it was impossible to make out what Daniel was saying and Jack inched carefully closer, straining to turn the snatches of sounds into words.  At last, one tore free, louder than the rest.  Distinct.  Unmistakable.  The last thing he expected. 

“Shyla!” 

Jack pushed the shock aside, and continued to listen.  There was more.  A lot more.  Oh God… 

“Shyla – please don’t!  I can’t - it's not right…you don’t understand…no – no wait.  I didn’t know he was hurt.  I - I - all right.  What ever you want.  Whatever you say, just - just promise me he’ll be taken care of, please? Whatever you say I’ll do it – I’ll do it - just promise me… 

Jack couldn’t hear any more.  Couldn’t listen to another word.  White-hot rage boiled up within him as he realized what Daniel was saying.  What it meant.  What he'd been hiding from him. 

_ That goddamned lying BITCH.  Some nice piece of work you almost threw everything away for, Danny.  Yeah, she was really worth all the pain, all the anger, and all the mistrust.  Almost dying for.  Really worth it.  Especially way she repaid you for saving her life. _

_ Yeah, but you know all this now, don’t you?  You know getting us captured for the sake of that - that - COW was a bad call \- even though trying to save her life seemed to you to be the right thing to do at the time.  You made a mistake.  It happens.  It worked out all right in the end.  But that's not the way you see it, is it? _

_ You put us all in danger.  You.  You're not laying the responsibility for what happened at anyone's door but your own.  Daniel screwed up.  That's all you can see. That’s why you’ve never said.  That’s why you’ve kept this to yourself.  You figured you didn't deserve any help because what happened to you was your own fault.  So you've been trying to deal with this on your own because - aw geez, Danny - because you figured you had no one to blame for it but yourself.  And you didn't figure we'd disagree with you.  Crap! _

Daniel’s agitation was increasing and he was getting louder.  Jack hated to wake him up, but knew that if he didn’t he’d soon be drawing a crowd.  No doubt that was the last thing Daniel would want right now. 

Jack grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently.  “Hey, easy there,” he whispered.  “Wake up, you’re scaring the horses.” 

Daniel’s eyes snapped open, his hands flew to Jack’s wrists.  For a confused second Daniel clung to the familiar anchor of Jack's nearness until  the return  of full awareness brought memory to bear as well.  The instant his anxious blue eyes met the concerned ones of the man bending over him Daniel realized - Jack knew.  His shameful little secret wasn't a secret any more.  Damn Jackanyway!  Why couldn't he, just this once - let things alone? 

Jack almost cried out at the eyes meeting his, so full of self-loathing and shame.  Livid with anger.  Anger at himself and anger at the man who had ferreted out his carefully guarded secret. 

Daniel shoved Jack away from him.  Hard.  Just as violently he turned away, concealing himself within the folds of the sleeping bag, hoping no doubt, Jack would take the hint and go away. 

Jack set his jaw firmly.  When pigs could fly.  Daniel figured he was going away and he had known him, how long? 

“Danny?”  Jack whispered to him again as he leaned over him.  “Talk to me.” 

Daniel’s voice was shaking with emotion.  Jack could hear him trying to rein himself in with every syllable he forced out. “Just – leave it alone, Jack.  Go away.  Please.  I’m begging you.” 

“Sorry.  Can’t do it.” 

“I’m handling it.  I’m fine!"  Daniel protested in a strained, shaking voice.  "I don’t need anything from you.  I don’t want anything from you.  Go away.” 

“This is what you call – handling it?” Jack asked gently. 

“Yes, I do!"  Daniel snapped. "I’d mostly managed to forget.  It was the necklace.  It caught me by surprise.  Brought it all back.  It looked just like the one she was wearing the first time – “ his voice broke as he choked something back.  Jack held his breath and waited for him to start talking again. 

“What did I say?”  Daniel’s voice was steadier, sadder.  “How much do you think you know?” 

“Enough," Jack admitted. "More than enough to make me want to wring her neck if I ever get the opportunity to get my hands around it.  I don’t like it when someone uses me to hurt a friend.  Jesus, Danny, what did she make you do?” 

Daniel emitted a harsh, mirthless laugh.  “What do you want me to do, Jack, draw you a picture?  Spell it out for you? Do you want every juicy little detail?  So you can know how much of a fool I was?  Do you need to hear me say it? Well, don’t worry - I was an idiot. I know.  So do you.  Happy now?” 

Daniel flung his anger at him, hitting him squarely in the chest with it like twin granite fists punching right through him.  Jack said nothing.  He knew Daniel was trying to goad him into adding his personal condemnation to his own unforgiving self-assessment.  Jack knew this game.  They had played it once before, a long time ago, only back then, the roles were reversed. 

“Want to know something really funny?”  Daniel laughed again, but it was a joyless humorless sound.  “I couldn’t .  Not the first time anyway.  But that shouldn’t come as any surprise to anyone.  I can’t hold my end up in the field when people are counting on me, couldn’t - couldn't get it up – anywhere else - when it mattered.  She put me back in the sarcophagus.  After a couple more times in that baby it was a different story, Jack.  I more than did what was expected of me.  Performed above and beyond the call of duty.  I did SG-1 proud!   After that, it didn’t really matter.  I'd already betrayed you, betrayed Sha’uri.  I couldn’t take that back, so what did it matter what happened to me next? If I was already damned, I might as well make it worth the trip! Do the job and do it right,  eh, Jack?  I did whatever Shyla wanted me to do. Whenever she wanted it.  Going back into the sarcophagus just made it easier and easier not to care.   Easier to – do it.  I told you I felt like I could do anything?  Hah!  You have no idea. You can’t even begin to imagine what I could do.  What I…did.  But hey, it was worth it.  It kept you all alive, didn’t it?” 

Crap.  What a mess.  How had this happened?  How had this happened to Daniel - and he'd never known, never even suspected? That entire mission hadn't exactly been their finest hour, from start to finish.  Jack had to admit he'd first been so pissed at Daniel and then so worried about him once it was all over and Daniel was himself again he'd tried not to look too much at what had happened since.  He'd actually done his best to put the whole thing behind him and not think about it at all.  It was over, they'd all made it through fine.  Daniel was fine.  Forget about it. Best not to pick at old wounds. 

Except Daniel wasn't fine.  They'd all been so concerned about his physical distress and getting him through the addiction what had had gone down between him and Shyla while the rest of SG-1 was slumming it in the mine - Jack had never asked and of course Daniel had never offered.  Maybe a part of him had always suspected, feared if he went looking he'd find exactly the kind of trouble he'd just stumbled into and he hadn't wanted to know. 

It went back further than that, though.  How long had he not been looking, not been seeing?  How long had someone who'd formerly been claiming to be able to read Daniel like a book been deliberately blind to a truth that had been staring him right in the face? 

He sure hadn't needed Carter piping up with her weird-ass Jolinar comments to tell there was something very, very wrong with Daniel the second time he'd come to see them in that mine.  Sure, he'd been plenty pissed at Daniel for seemingly abandoning them - abandoning HIM, but one look at the wild-eyed stranger, higher than a kite on SOMETHING, lashing out at him...  What had Daniel said to them?  What had Daniel said to him? 

_ She wants me to marry her.   _ That’s what Daniel had said to him, with that strange, whacked out and yet haunted look in his eyes.  Daniel had been trying to tell him – and he hadn’t understood. Hadn't understood \- or simply hadn't wanted to? 

_ Your way didn’t work.  Now I’m handling it.  _ He’d said that as well. Daniel had told him exactly what he was doing, as best he could. Told him and he hadn't understood.  Jack felt sick.  This was just getting worse and worse. 

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself blurt out.  “I didn’t know.” 

“You weren’t supposed to know!”  Daniel practically spat the words at him.  “Nobody was supposed to know.  Nobody…” 

Daniel's voice fell away as the anger suddenly drained from him, to be replaced by shame and grief.  He drew himself up tightly and the sleeping bag encasing him began to shake.  Jack reached out and put a hand on Daniel’s shoulder, hoping that a small gesture of support would do – something  - to help. 

“DON’T!”  The cry erupted from Daniel as he twisted violently out from under Jack’s hand, fighting with the sleeping bag and trying to escape from it in order to pull away from the man beside him.  “Just – don’t.  I haven’t needed your help so far.  I don’t need your pity now.” 

“That’s what you think this is?”  Jack asked softly.  “Pity?  Daniel?” 

Daniel abruptly sat up.  Jack could feel him trembling with renewed anger across the ever-widening space between them.  “And I don’t want THAT from you either," he hissed. "Your all-consuming need to take total responsibility for everything that happens on ‘your watch’.  Your guilt for not being omniscient, or  'O'Neill on the spot'  - there in the nick of time to save poor, dumb, naïve Daniel from himself, yet again.  I know what you think of me.  I know what ALL of you think of me.  I'm not nearly as stupid or naïve as you think I am.  So why don't you leave me alone and go beat yourself up over not being 'there' for me to save me from myself? You're pretty good at that, and it'd be a much better use of your time, trust me!" 

'Daniel," Jack began, not even sure what he was about to say next.  He never had the chance to find out.  Daniel ploughed stormily onward, his tirade unaffected by the slight interruption. 

"You didn't save me from this one," Daniel continued bitterly. "Don’t lose any sleep over it, Jack, I didn’t need you to.  I handled it. Yeah, I screwed up. I let the whole team down and put you all in danger. And I paid for it. Oh, I paid. But I also did my duty. I did everything I had to do to make it right.  All by myself.  End of story.  I finally did the right thing, Jack.  Give me a little bit of credit and leave me the hell alone.  I don't want anything else from you.  Not your pity, your guilt, or even your contempt.  All I want now is for Sha’uri to find the grace to forgive me when I have to tell her.” 

_ And you will tell her, won’t you? _

Jack was glad that the darkness hid his face from Daniel.  His shock and utter dismay at what he'd just learned and what he was hearing now had to be plastered all over him.  He knew he had to get a grip on it, had to figure out something to say, but Daniel’s rage was almost like a living thing – a monster.  How long had this rage inspired beast been living within his gentle and forgiving friend, lurking unsuspected in the hidden parts of his soul, squatting in darkness, building, growing in the secret places, waiting for the time when it could come out fully furled and uglier than his worst nightmares?  How long had it been there, and how much had he done and said, to feed it?  To help it grow. 

He'd seen a bit of it in the mine, but hadn’t recognized it for what it was.  He could only pray the price for his blindness was not more than he was willing to pay. 

“Daniel,” he started uncertainly.  “Listen to me.  I want – “ 

_ Too late, Jack, too late.  He’s not listening any more. _

“I know what you WANT!”  Daniel was gone.  There was only the monster, and it was not his friend. 

Daniel flashed him a nasty smile made even more unpleasant by an eerie flare of the faltering fire. “You want me to smile and say, ‘It’s okay, Jack.  I don’t mind that you shoved your nose in where it doesn’t belong.  I don’t mind you didn’t listen to me when I asked you to leave me alone.   I don’t mind that you spied on me and pried into something that was none of your business.’  I’ll just forget all that, and be your good little Dannyboy again. Forgiving everything, just – letting it slide like it was nothing.   Like I always do. That’s what you want.  Well, you’re not going to get it.  Not this time, Jack." 

_ I can see that Daniel.  Right now I'd give anything if I couldn't. _

“I asked you to leave it alone, Jack," Daniel continued in a cold, relentless voice. "To leave me alone.  I begged you.  But no, you wouldn’t.  You had to keep coming and coming and coming.  You wouldn’t listen to me.  I needed you to do that.  I needed you to be my friend and understand.   That’s all I wanted from you.  Just to LEAVE ME ALONE.” 

The words tumbled from Daniel’s lips, low and hot with rage.  A torrent of fury battered Jack as he crouched numbly beside the monster, dumbly allowing it to sear him to his soul.  There was nothing else he could do. 

“You had no business here," Daniel raged. "No business prying into this.  I didn’t ask you to.  I warned you.  God!  I warned you!  Why didn’t you listen?  Why didn’t you respect my wishes? This is MINE, Jack.  My problem.  My secret. My shame.  Mine!  I didn’t want you to have any part of it.  Ever!  Your clout won’t help you now, Colonel O’Neill, Sir!   You might be able to order me around out there, but you can’t order me now.  You can’t force me to change, you can’t make me be what you want or make me do what you want. You can’t make me give this up and I won’t.  It’s mine.  Mine.  It might be the only thing I have left that really is.  I don’t want you here. I don’t.  I - I don’t – “ 

Daniel’s voice broke, finally.  His head fell into his hands.  A ragged whisper issued from behind them.  “I betrayed you back then.  You’ve betrayed me now.  Guess that makes us – even. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  Please, just – go.” 

The gulf between them yawned, seeming to span the entire universe.  It was so vast; Daniel was so far away.  Jack tried to reach across it, one last time, to see if Daniel was willing to meet him at least part of the way. “All right, I’ll go.  But if you need anything…you know where to find me…” 

“Don’t hold your breath waiting.” Daniel's voice was as cold as the fear clutching Jack's heart. 

Jack sprang to his feet, forced back by the harsh emptiness of those words.  This was bad.  This was really bad.  That felt – final.  Oh God, what had he done? 

His hands dropped to his sides.   He was having trouble seeing.  He knew he should do something – but… 

_ Haven't you done enough damage for one night already? _

Unable to do anything else, Jack turned and slowly walked away, trying not to hear the muffled sounds of weeping behind him.  Jack let the night wrap around him as he stood on the edge of the camp, looking at nothing, keeping a futile watch over the ruination of his world. 

FINIS


	2. Interlude - Daniel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel begins a new life.

_ “Don’t hold your breath waiting…” _

As soon as the words were out of his mouth Daniel wanted to take them back.  Not saying them in the first place would have been even better, though.   Too late.  The damage was already done. 

Add this to the refuse pile of regrets littering the path of his life.  The ‘if only I hads’ and the ‘I should have knowns’ and the ‘why wasn’t I smarter, faster, stronger or braver?’ 

Once again he'd lost someone who was dearer to him than his own life and once again it was his fault.  As much as he regretted the harsh parting words he'd thrown at Jack, Daniel knew why he'd said them. 

It was just easier this way.  Easier for Jack to make a clean break and walk away.  Jack had to hate him now.  How could he not?  How could Jack have finally learned the real truth about the friend he only thought he knew and not hate him now because of it? 

Daniel knew how much he hated himself for what he had done. 

_ Oh Jack, just for once, why didn’t you listen to me?  Why didn’t you leave it alone?  That way only one of us need ever have known. _

There was no way out, no way to take it back, nothing to be done now except to live with what was left.  Daniel curled himself up into a small ball in the sleeping bag, giving quiet vent to his grief.  A small indulgence he would allow himself this one time, in honour of the enormity of his loss, but in the future there would be no time for such luxury.  He would watch the night with the man who had just walked away and left him in darkness inside and out, and then in the morning, Daniel knew he had to find a way to go on. 

Without Jack. 

What other choice did he have? 

Daniel didn't consider himself to be a particularly brave, clever or extraordinary person.  He was what life had forced him to become.  A survivor.  One thing he did know how to do was deal.   When you have no one to turn to, nowhere to go and no resources with which to cope with whatever life throws at you except what you carry inside you, you learn things. How to do what you have to do.  How to get around by yourself, how to make do on almost nothing, how to come back from stuff people figure should knock the stuffing out of you.  Permanently. 

What it always came down to was one simple truth.   No matter what life threw at you if you wanted to live - which he most assuredly did - you got on with it.  By finding a way to get through whatever was required of you. One moment at a time. 

You just shut up and did it because no one else was going to be doing it for you. 

It had worked for him in the past.  No reason to suppose it wouldn't work this time.  So that's what he was doing.   Whatever he needed to do. One moment at a time. 

Daniel ploughed resolutely forward, getting through the night and the following morning by using his desperate focus on the immediate requirements of the moment to stave off the surreal fog of misery coating his thoughts.  So far, so good.  He was doing it.  He was getting through it.  One step at a time. 

He was completely unprepared for the shock of being blasted out of his coping trance by the realisation he was tromping merrily down the steep and winding trail from the site to the Stargate, right at Jack's side.  Very close to Jack's side. Awareness of Jack’s unexpected proximity startled him; he had no memory of having fallen into step beside the man. 

Was the impulse to be near Jack that in-grained, that automatic, that unconscious?  Daniel made a mental note for Jack’s sake he was going to have to break himself of the habit. 

That was when Daniel stumbled. 

Stupid – he should have been paying attention to what he was doing; the ‘path’ was actually a deeply eroded channel cut into the hillside by what had obviously been a flood in the past.  The ground they were covering was rough and uncertain, and littered with stones and clumps of loose earth. 

Daniel put his foot down on what had appeared to be solid ground, but actually must have been a large, dirt-covered stone.  It tilted alarmingly when he put his weight on it, shifting treacherously under him, pitching him forward.  He barely had time to realise he was about to do a swan dive face first when Jack grabbed him firmly by the upper arm, pulling him back, steadying him not only with his hand, but with his touch. 

As he always did. As he always had.  From the very beginning. 

Daniel didn't understand why a simple touch of Jack's hand said 'safe' to him, but it did.   He didn’t even know if Jack was aware of the effect he had on him.  He might not get the why of it, but it didn't stop Daniel from enjoying the comfortable feeling he got from Jack's touch.  And he didn't even have to ask or reciprocate.  Which was good; Daniel didn't find it easy to reach out, to touch other people. It was just the way he was.  He didn't bother them - they didn't bother him.  The one exception to that rule being Jack. 

Jack 'bothered' him on a daily basis. Sometimes it made him crazy, but most of the time it was an intrusion Daniel welcomed.  Very few people in his life had made as concerted and consistent an effort to get past his walls as Jack had.  To touch him.  Jack barged in where few had dared to tread.  He'd made a difference in so many ways it was difficult for Daniel to find a part of his life Jack hadn't impacted upon, but right now, the most important way - contact. 

All Jack had to do was touch him.  Nothing big, nothing major.  A squeeze of the shoulder in passing, a pat on the arm, a slap on the back.  And it was just – better.  Just like that. 

Just like what was happening right now. 

But Daniel knew he had to stop it.  What had just happened - lending him a hand - this had been a slip, something Jack had done automatically, without thinking.  Jack would be more wary in the future, more careful of what he did.  This was just an accident.  It wouldn’t be happening again. 

Daniel knew he couldn’t rely on this comfort any more, couldn’t count on it to be in his life.  He didn't dare let himself enjoy this momentary lapse. It wasn't real, was a mistake.  He had to end it. 

Right here and now, before he lost his nerve. 

Daniel drew his arm firmly out of Jack’s grasp without looking at him.  He felt something inside him crack as the lingering warmth of Jack’s hand was rapidly swallowed by the chill morning air. 

_ Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it, you’ve felt this before, hasn’t killed you yet. Any trauma you can walk away from is a good one?  Not funny, Daniel, just keep going. _

Daniel set his jaw, fixed his eyes straight ahead, and quickened his pace until he had left Jack a dozen feet behind him.  And kept on blindly walking until his feet hit the ramp in the gate room. 

Ah, now the ordeal was only just beginning.  Getting through what came next.  All the post-mission protocols.  Do what is expected, say what is expected, all the while making like nothing is wrong until you’ve run the gauntlet and you can then run away.  There was a time when Daniel could have put on this kind of pretense in his sleep, but it was harder now.  Much, much harder, since Jack’s friendship had so fundamentally altered the way Daniel had come to view his world.  And himself. 

_ No! Put it away.  Get through this first.  That’s all that matters.  The next moment. _

_ One foot after another.  Walk.  Smile at Sam as we walk down the hall.  Pretend you heard what she just said.  Laugh.  Smile.  That sounded all right.  Good, Daniel, you’re doing fine.  You can do this.  You can do this. _

They were in the infirmary now.  This wouldn’t take long. 

Daniel submitted to the examination marveling the numbness pervading his body didn't show up on any of Janet’s instruments.  He went gamely through the motions, put on his performance, but felt nothing. Nothing but numb.  He looked around, taking in his surroundings, watching everyone, especially Jack not particularly watching him, and with a odd sort of detachment finally realised what felt so strange. 

Had this been any other day Jack would have touched him at least a half a dozen times by now.  In small, circumspect ways; a guiding nudge here, a verifying touch there, a brush of the shoulder, teasing slap on the arm.  Small, inconsequential contacts all the more meaningful to Daniel now they were gone. 

He had no idea what need, if any, making these gestures fulfilled in Jack.  What he did know, suddenly, is what they did for him.  Physical reassurance.  As strange as it sounded, somehow, every time Jack touched him, he let him know he was just within reach.  That he was there.  Daniel hadn't realised this, until this very moment.  Nor had he realised just how much this assurance meant to him.  Not until it was so noticeably, glaringly, absent. 

Daniel clenched his hands at his sides, barely resisting the almost overwhelming impulse to hug himself.  This was going to be harder than he thought.  But he could do it.  He could.  He had to. 

Debrief now.  God, what time was it?  The sleepless night was starting to catch up with him.  Oh God, this had been primarily a site evaluation and investigation.  That meant he had to do most of the talking.  Suck it up, Daniel, and get on with this.  You can do it. 

Words were coming out of his mouth and they seemed to be the appropriate ones for the situation, because no one was staring at him as if he had suddenly started spitting Goa’ulds.  In fact, no one seemed to notice there was anything wrong at all.  No one saw Jack was not looking at him and he was looking every where but at Jack. 

Jack. 

The first time he'd laid eyes on Jack O'Neill Daniel would have laughed himself sick if anyone had suggested he and Colonel Contemptuous would one day be friends.  The stony disdain the man had heaped upon him at their first encounter had in no way lessened, from his perspective, during the two weeks it had taken him to stumble upon the solution he'd been hired to find.  And yet, from such unlikely beginnings, they had indeed gone on to become friends. 

When had he first realised he liked Jack O'Neill? He'd seen a momentary ripple in Jack's granite façade when he'd lied through his teeth to General West about being positive he could get the team home if they took a chance on him and made that first trip through the Stargate.   He hadn’t been ‘positive’ of anything except he needed to, had to go through that portal.   He still had moments of guilt about the lie and what his obsessive determination had driven him to do.  The risk he'd taken with those men’s lives, simply to satisfy his selfish need to go through that gate.  What if he hadn’t found the tablet, what if he hadn’t been able to reopen the gate?  What of those men, stranded beyond any hope of rescue, far from their homes, lives, and families, all because of him? 

Well, he'd gotten luckier than he'd really deserved.  It had all worked out in the end.  But Jack's amusement with his counterfeit confidence hadn’t been the moment when his perception of the man had changed.  It had come a little later. 

Right after he'd been forced to admit the lie to Jack.  That he couldn’t re-open the gate without the aid of a tablet he'd conveniently forgotten to mention, along with the fact he didn't know where it was.  After Kawalsky lost his temper and had pushed him to the ground.  Looking very much as if he had no intention of stopping there. 

It certainly wouldn’t have been the first time Daniel had ever had his head handed to him by the someone bigger and stronger than he was, and mad at him for some reason. After getting himself sprawled in the sand he had been preparing to handle the situation the same way he usually handled it – taking the path of least resistance.  That was to say, he didn’t resist.  Ever.  He just let it happen. 

He’d been quite a spectacular wimp in those days. 

And then, Jack had stepped between them, and stopped it. 

No one had ever done that for him before.  No one had ever stood up for him, or stood between him and a beating. 

That was the moment. That was when everything changed. Maybe that was why he'd done the same thing for Jack, just a little later.  Come to think of it, that was when he started to do a lot of standing up. Standing up to Ra, standing up to Kasuf, standing up to Jack, even.   And hell, here he was, still standing.   It had all started with an act which in an instant had changed Daniel’s fundamental perception of himself and his worth.  Someone had actually defended him. And in so doing, had shown him the way to find the pride to defend himself, and others.   That someone was Jack O’Neill. 

Dannyboy.  Jack had turned that one around too. 

Jack was the only one who called him that now.  Only once in a blue moon and when he did, it was very special.  There was a time when he had bitterly hated the nickname, associating it with pain and humiliation of the highest order.  The days of Albert…  God, he couldn’t even remember his last name now, the older brute son of one of the families that had fostered him during the not-so-fond days of his childhood.   He'd been what – nine?   Ten? 

Albert had always called him “Dannyboy”.  Just before he pounded the piss out of him.   Which in those days has been an all-too-frequent occurrence.  Finally he went a little too far, Daniel had ended up in the hospital with a broken arm and several cracked ribs, and that was the end of that placement.  Not that the next one was anything to write home about.  Not that he’d had a home to write to. 

There were too many people around.  Too many eyes upon him.  It was getting too hard to push them away, to fool them.  _Have to leave, have to go…  Over?  Done?  We can go?_

Daniel was so relieved the ordeal was almost over he slipped up.  Fell back into an old habit, another one he had to make a mental note to break.  In a completely unconscious action born of the subtle, inchoate need for affirmation lurking inside him, as he had so many times before, he automatically turned to the one he most looked to for that confirmation. 

To discover Jack looking back at him. 

Just in time Daniel clamped his jaw resolutely shut so it his mouth wouldn’t gape open with shock.  Jack’s face was an unreadable mask; his dark eyes mere slits in it. So closed and shuttered they glittered at him with the coldness of the absolute deflection of every particle of light striking them.  Reflecting everything touching them back again, unaccepted. 

Jack hated him. 

Daniel fled.  After sweeping up his papers and files in a panicked rush he didn’t care who saw, he hurried from the room and made his way as swiftly as he could to his office, where he threw everything on the desk, bolted from the room and fled some more.  Right up until he'd seen his worst fears confirmed he'd not been sure where he'd been going to go after the briefing.  He knew now. 

He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t needed the safe place.  Even when times were good, when he'd been happiest, he still had one place no one knew about. Where no one could find him when he didn't want to be found. 

He had such a place here.  One of the first things he'd done, once he'd been sure they were going to let him stay, was to find it.  He hadn’t had to use it very much these past few months, but he surely needed to be there now.    He couldn’t go home, couldn’t go to his room here, couldn’t be anywhere where anyone could find him.  He couldn’t chance being seen by anyone while he was like this.  Couldn’t face well-meaning questions, attempts at consolation, misguided desires to help.  Deserved none, sought none, required none.  He would hide away until it passed. That was all he needed to do. Then he would be fine. 

His refuge of choice was an unused storage room on one of the less-frequented sections of the bunker.  Hardly anyone ever came here; certainly no one had used this room since he'd been here.  He made his way hastily to his refuge, and even though he knew there was no one else about, still took the time to make sure he was completely alone before he quietly opened the door and slipped inside.  Only then, on the other side of the door, locked and protected from prying eyes, did he finally allow himself to slide to the floor in a wounded, exhausted heap. 

Daniel sat there in the utter darkness, slumped against the door, too weary to expend the small effort necessary to reach up to turn on the light.  He couldn’t always have done this.  Been in the dark like this.  God.  He had Jack to thank for that too. 

He felt the sob begin to well up in his chest and ground the heels of his hands roughly into his eyes to forestall the tide.  No!  Feeling sorry for himself wasn't what he was here for!  It was over, it was done, and grieving was a stupid waste of time and energy.  Never did any good, never changed anything.  Never made him feel any better.  He’d managed to muddle through thirty-some years of living, never even having heard of Jack O’Neill.  He’d manage the next thirty or however many more exactly the same way. 

His head was convinced.  It had seen it all before.  Nothing new here.  Nothing he hadn’t had to do before.  Been there, done that, piece of cake. 

Now, if only he could get his heart to go along, everything would be… 

…so terribly, terribly lonely… 

Daniel wrapped his arms around himself and lay down on the cold concrete floor, softly talking to himself in a futile effort at self-comfort.   Hoping something, anything would come and take him away from this, or that he would be lucky enough to wake up and discover this had all been a very bad dream.  Sleep eventually came for him, but brought with it no gifts of either release or absolution. 


	3. Interlude - Jack.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack tries to face a situation he doesn't want to be in.

Sunrise.  An alien sun in an alien sky on an alien world that by all rights should have just stopped turning.  Okay, so maybe that was slightly melodramatic.  But it certainly would have been appropriate. 

Jack knew he'd soon have to face turning around and facing the rest of his team.  And  Daniel.   He’d had the whole stinking night to think about his next move.  Well, here it was, morning, pretty soon some sort of action was going to be required of him and he still didn’t have a stinking clue what he was going to do about what had happened last night. 

Running around screaming might be emotionally satisfying but it would confuse the hell out of Carter and Teal’c.  Jack really preferred to have to explain himself to as few people as possible. 

Sooo, maybe he should just get on with it like it was any other day.  When in doubt, fall back on the familiar.  He was reasonably certain Daniel wouldn’t shoot him.  He’d had plenty of opportunity already if that was where his head was at, and he probably wouldn’t do anything else that would tend toward confusing the other kids thereby requiring lengthy and embarrassing explanations.  While it was true Daniel had a fondness for talking at excruciating lengths about just about anything under the sun, that loquaciousness did not extend to his least favorite subject.  Daniel Jackson. 

Daniel would rather have root canal on every tooth in his head than talk about himself.  Jack knew about this: having had, on more than one occasion, to suffer through the agonies and the mental exertions of numerous ‘extraction’ operations trying to get some sort of clue from Doctor Reticent about what the hell was going on with him this time or another.   Whatever personal insights he had ever managed to force Daniel to part with the man had made him pay dearly for in effort and frustration. 

All of which simply meant it was highly unlikely Daniel was going to make a scene. 

So Jack heaved a large sigh, squared his shoulders, put on his best ‘I’m-Jack-O’Neill-what’s-it-to-you’ face and turned around, intending to make like your basic busy bee.  To be met by Carter and Teal’c already up and getting on with it, and Daniel, earnestly zipping about engaged in his own insect imitation.  They buzzed around each other for a bit, then Daniel buzzed off, Carter in tow, back down to the site so he could finish up and they could book already. 

Huge knots of dismay churned in Jack's stomach as he watched them walk away. He'd just witnessed Daniel put on a performance would've put Olivier to shame, and while he had been expecting some sort of behaviour along those lines he was quite taken aback to see unmistakable proof of just how good Daniel was getting at dissembling. 

Jack knew what had gone down between them last night had to have deeply upset Daniel, and even he could barely tell there was anything wrong with the man.  Daniel was acting like everything was hunky dory in his world, right down to the cheery, eager beaver attitude, the bounce in his step and the toss-away, good-humoured jibe at Teal’c as he and Carter walked away. 

Flawless.  Jesus. 

Carter and Teal'c had looked right at him and seen exactly what Daniel wanted them to see.  Exactly nothing. Only, Jack knew differently.  Daniel almost had the 'I'm fine, nothing to see here' routine down pat, but there'd been an essential element sadly lacking in his performance. 

Daniel had been around him and talked to him as if last night had never happened. Only it had.  For during the entire whatever-the-hell-it-was they had just done, Daniel had never once looked at him.  Not directly, not in the eye.  And he hadn’t come any closer to him than a couple of feet.  Daniel had been there, walking, talking, acting, looking like Daniel, and yet, for all Daniel had been standing right in front of him, he might as well have been halfway across the galaxy. 

Daniel might have been there but he sure wasn't with him. 

_ Well isn’t this special?  Look at you, Daniel. Not quite the wide-eyed wonder boy who stumbled into my life a couple of years ago.  All grown up now and getting just as bent as all of the rest of us.  Well  done, Jack.  Nice piece of work. Stand up and be proud of a job well done, as it spits in your eye and hates you. _

_ What happened, Danny?  How did we get here? _

How indeed.  There was practically nothing left of the callow, awkward, slightly disheveled dipwad who'd wandered into the their midst for the first time looking not so much like the brilliant scholar he was as a school kid who'd lost his way and needed directions to his next class.  The ‘I don’t really belong here and don’t have a clue what's going on’ aura he exuded from practically every pore was immediately dispelled within the first five minutes after he grabbed a piece of chalk and cleaned the clocks of a passel of snooty, ‘respected’ eggheads who'd already had two years to work on a single line of hieroglyphics and still hadn’t gotten it right. 

Jack had pretty much written him off at first sight, but that single display of ability had earned Daniel Jackson a second look.  And a little notation in Jack’s book.  _Keep your eye on this one._

Two weeks later Jack was looking at the man again, seeing the awe and barely disguised longing on his face as he stared raptly at the event horizon of the newly-activated wonder he had named.  As he pondered Daniel's shining, besotted face Jack O’Neill found himself seriously wondering, for the first time, just who the hell Daniel Jackson really was. 

A lot more than he was letting on, that was for sure. 

And here Jack was, almost three years later, still trying to plumb the depths of the particular mystery that was Daniel Jackson.  Mind you, it looked as if it was shaping up to be a lifetime study. 

Daniel had gone through the gate with him for the first time with two marks to the good in Jack’s little mental character ledger, however very quickly, he'd taken three giant steps back. 

Jack admitted to being slightly pissed when he'd discovered the sneaky geek had lied to him, however, given the reason why he'd done it, Jack had been almost prepared to be secretly impressed with his nerve.  Then Kawalsky had gone off and flattened him, and once again, Jack had occasion to severely revise his opinion of the good Doctor. 

He could at least have stood up for himself.  Had SOME shred of dignity.  Not just – laid there, blinking like some near-sighted owl – waiting to get stomped.  Jack found he couldn’t even look at Daniel as he pulled Kawalsky off.  The geek wasn’t worth the effort. 

So much for his faint hopes the dweeb was actually going to be of some use.  Daniel Jackson was nothing but dead weight.   Useless. Scratch the name and rip the page right out of the book. 

Hah!  Jack was very rarely wrong about people but he'd completely missed the boat where Daniel was concerned.  If not for 'the dweeb', right now Jack O'Neill would probably be either dead \- several times over – or digging up Naquadah with his fingernails along side the Abydonians, who'd be still enslaved by Ra.  Getting the gate reopened would have been the least of his worries.  Nor would there have been any point to the exercise \- there'd have been no Earth to go back to.  Without Daniel there speaking the lingo, getting the intel and filling them in about Ra's little plan to make Mother Earth go boom Ra would've sent the bomb with the Naquadah chaser back through the gate, and no one would've stopped him.  Because no one would have even known he was planning on doing it. 

When had Jack O’Neill stopped thinking of Daniel Jackson as ‘useless’?  Aside from the little detail of Daniel saving his life and getting himself snuffed for his pains? Probably about thirty seconds after Jack had seen him, apparently risen from the dead, walking toward him with a staff weapon aimed at his head and a look on his face would've done the Grim Reaper proud.  Jack had been thinking he shouldn’t be wasting his last moments contemplating the irony of coming through everything he'd managed to survive only to be finally taken out by Doctor Dweeb, when out of the blue, the dweeb turned into Rambo, Skaara and the boys were handing out the hardware, and they were all off to the races.  Way to go, Doctor Jackson. 

That first mission to Abydos had been Daniel’s show all the way.  As much as Jack still hated to admit it to himself, he was the one who was the dead weight through most of it.  While he'd been wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself Daniel had been making friends and finding answers, telling the Abydonians the truth about themselves and the being who enslaved them, making inspiring speeches and inciting a whole people to rise up and take arms against their oppressors. That last bit had been rather crucial, for if the folks from Abydos hadn’t pulled all their butts out of the fire by showing up literally in the nick of time like a horde of pugnacious locusts loaded for bear, making Ra turn tail and run – well, we were basically back to the dead or Naquadah miner scenario.  Pick one. 

By the time Jack had roused himself enough to finally play the action adventure hero at the end - largely due to a rather pointed speech Daniel had made to him helping him see certain things a little differently  - Daniel had already done most of the work.  They’d won; blown up the bad guy, saved the day, got to go home heroes but Jack had no doubt in his mind to whom the Abydonians owed the most gratitude. 

Hell, Daniel had even gotten the girl. Not too bad for a four-eyed wimp geek loser. 

He’d resented Daniel for a long time because of Abydos.  Probably a large reason why he had been so ‘conflicted’ when confronted with him again.  Why he'd tended to ride him so much at the beginning. 

You see, Daniel KNEW. He was the only one left now, who knew ALL of it. He’d been there, all the way, through the whole Abydos business, and had seen Jack when he was not exactly at his best.  Jack had resented him for knowing, and resented him as a constant reminder of a time in his life he was not exactly proud of.  And then one day he'd realised something that had made him stop feeling resentful. 

Daniel didn’t care what he had done.  He knew all about it, and for some reason liked him anyway.  Go figure.  It made no difference to him; Jack was the only one being stupid about the whole thing, holding onto it and holding it against both of them. 

So, he'd stopped.  Well, mostly, anyway.  There still were times when Jack felt like a fifth wheel next to Daniel, and more than a mental midget.  Not that Daniel ever said or did anything to make him feel stupid - nothing like that - it was just, Daniel was so much smarter.  In some ways.  In others, he didn’t have a clue. But Daniel knew it and rather than beating himself up about it, he tried to do something about it.  Tried to learn what he didn’t know.  Tried to learn it from him.  Looked to him for a lot of things. 

That’s what amazed Jack the most.  When he realised Daniel actually looked up to him. Respected him.  Hell, admired him, even. In spite what he'd done in the beginning when he'd been feeling a little insecure, to keep Daniel off -balance and make him look even more awkward and out of place than he already was, Daniel still trusted him and called him friend. Wasn’t that just a kick in the head?  But that was Daniel. 

Jack's heart didn't exactly swell with pride when he recalled his behaviour toward 'the civilian' during the early days of SG-1. Daniel might have been the ‘Savior of Abydos’ (and wouldn’t he be pissed off if he heard Jack call him THAT), but it was a different story on the other side of the gate.  When he'd been thrown into the world of the SGC the Saviour of Abydos was on Jack’s turf, and hadn’t he just let Daniel know it.  Practically every opportunity that had come his way.  Until he had finally gotten it through his thick skull Daniel wasn’t trying to challenge him or make him look bad, he was just being Daniel.  Exercising the same fierce determination to learn the truth and to see all of them did the right thing that had earned him the love of his adopted people and the respect of a Special Forces colonel who'd learned a few hard lessons on Abydos.  Courtesy of Doctor Jackson.  Only right he should return the favour. 

And he had.  Once he'd gotten over the shock of realising Daniel was looking mostly to him for help and guidance in making his way in this strange new world he he'd been tossed into against his will.  He'd been more at home on Abydos than he was at the SGC.  But again, being Daniel, he'd not uttered a word of complaint, but had applied himself grimly to the task of  'getting it'.  His efforts were, at times, not so successful, and they'd had more than one difference of opinion over ‘divergent world views’.  Which tended to upset Daniel a lot more than they probably should have.  This used to puzzle Jack until he realised - as bizarre as it sounded \- one of the main reasons why Daniel would get so worked up when he had to go head to head with Jack over a matter of conscience, or fail to fulfill an expectation because of a moral dilemma, it was because he was deeply divided.  Between needing to adhere to the moral high road and yet at the same time dearly, desperately – wanting to please.  Wanting to please – him. 

The high road usually won. 

So, Jack had two choices.  He could continue to be a jerk and rub Daniel’s nose in his own inexperience, or he could be the friend and mentor Daniel honestly wanted him to be.  He’d gone for the second option.  It had been going okay.  Until last night. 

Dammit!  He hadn’t done anything wrong!   He’d seen a friend in trouble, and he’d tried to help.   What was more, he’d damned well do it again!  Despite what Daniel believed, if he tried carrying this thing around inside him much longer he was going to hurt himself bad.  If he hadn’t done so already.  Daniel needed to get this thing out in the open and that was all Jack had been trying to help him do.  Help him deal with a problem he couldn’t deal with by himself.  Jack knew Daniel seemed to think  he could handle it on his own, but he was wrong. 

Having had occasion in the past to lay a few of his own personal demons to rest with the assistance of the man who was denying him the chance to repay him in kind, Jack knew a little bit of what he was talking about. 

However, it now seemed they both had an even bigger problem.  But, wait a minute, what were we really talking here?  Daniel was mad at him right now, okay, but this was  Daniel, for crying out loud!  The original fount of the milk of human kindness.  If he could find a way to forgive Teal’c for helping to turn his wife into a Goa’uld, how long could he possibly stay mad at him for caring? 

Apparently, possibly, maybe – not long at all.  Jack opted for playing it cool when Daniel bopped up to his side and stayed there during the walk back to the gate.  Still wasn’t looking at him or talking to him, but he was there, as if this was just another day and another walk back.  So far, so good. 

Jack’s hopes it was getting better between them were high right up until he reached over and grabbed Daniel’s arm to stop him from starting his circus career as the Amazing Flying Jackson.  For just a second, Jack could have sworn Daniel was about to turn to him, like he had so many times before, and smile sheepishly at him as he said “Thanks Jack.”  That would've been all Jack would've needed from Daniel to let him know that they were okay again. 

Instead, Daniel had kept his eyes straight ahead, yanked his arm away and stalked off.  Like he thought Jack was pond scum or something. 

_ You’re welcome. _

_ Fine.  That’s the way you want it.  Don’t have to hit me over the head or anything.  Next time, I’ll just let you fall. _

Jack nursed his bruised feelings until they hit the infirmary.  While cooling his heels and waiting his turn he had a more leisurely opportunity to review the situation again, and observe Daniel in particular. 

When he saw how upset Daniel really was, Jack’s wounded pride melted away, to be replaced with a bit of distress of his own.  His friend was hurting bad.  And there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it.  Because there was no way Daniel would let him help. 

Daniel wasn't saying a word, so stiff and strung out he was almost shaking.  Jack looked away and tucked his own arms tightly around himself, as if by doing what Daniel would not allow himself to do, he could do SOMETHING for him. 

There were people who lived mostly in their heads and were more comfortable with mental stimulation over the world of the more tangible and physical.  And then there were the sensualists, those who were extremely  touchy-feely, and who furthermore derived much of their information about the world, and their general sense of well being from their senses and tactile stimulation in general.  Hands-on people, if you will.  Needed to do it, needed to have it done to them or they got weird and scrambled up inside. 

Jack knew he was definitely a ‘hands-on’ on type.  Oh, big news flash there!  He’d spent a number of years sealed off from the rest of the world and had suffered the consequences, but he was better now.  Daniel was in much worse shape than he had ever been. 

Daniel was one of those truly unfortunate hands-on people who had been largely denied, all through life, what he had most needed.  Contact.  Honest to god, flesh to flesh, skin to skin, a lot, and often.  Not getting it had screwed him up but good. Daniel was so giving of himself to anyone who needed a hand: he should have gone through life surrounded by people who hugged his brains out on a regular basis.  But he never got that kind of regular human contact until he met Sha’uri, and one short year wasn’t enough time to undo the neglect of a lifetime. 

Jack knew ‘skin hunger’ when he saw it.  He also knew it would be practically impossible for Daniel to do anything about it on his own.  Not only did he not have the first clue how to get what he needed, he didn't even realize there was anything wrong. 

So, Jack had literally – lent  him a hand.  It was no big deal, didn’t cost him anything to reach out and give Daniel a pat on the back from time to time.  Truth was, he enjoyed it.  Almost as much as he liked watching Daniel enjoying it. 

The little bit here and there had helped.  Daniel was better, but he still had a tendency to revert in intense emotional situations.  When he was the most deeply distressed Daniel lost his ability to be able to reach out to anyone. He’d pull away, go internal, find a corner, pull himself into a ball and wrap his arms around himself.  When Daniel started hugging himself he was sending out a major Mayday he wasn’t even aware of.  But he’d never overtly ask for help. Didn’t know how. You had to cross the gap and make the first move.  Make him take the physical comfort or reassurance he needed.  It was never easy.  Nothing with Daniel ever was. 

Even though his arms were at his sides Daniel was sending out distress signals that made Jack’s hands ache in a sympathetic response.  But there was nothing he could do.  Daniel needed a hand in the worst kind of way, but the way he was right now; he’d rather die than take it. 

Especially from him. 

Jack spent most of the briefing not listening to what was being said, not caring what was being said, and trying very hard not to look at the man who was mostly saying it.  What he was mainly trying to do was restrain himself from leaping over the table, grabbing Daniel and yelling at him, 'Can we cut the crap and make up already because I can’t stand seeing you like this'! 

Jack was mad.  Mad at Daniel for being so damned stubborn, mad at the situation, damned ticked off at the fact his favorite restaurant had closed its doors last week without asking him how he felt about it.  Mostly though, he was mad at himself.  For not being able to figure out how to fix it.  Right here and now. 

The debrief was over and Daniel was starting to get to his feet.  The movement drew Jack’s eyes to him automatically. He hadn’t planned for it to happen, but it did anyway.  He didn’t know what was on his face, but he knew what he was feeling inside and before he had a chance to mellow it down a little Daniel looked at him, and mad suddenly turned into something quite different. 

Daniel was staring at him like he was some kind of crawling slug he couldn’t get away from fast enough.  He was almost dropping all his stuff he was in such a hurry to get shot of the room and the man he didn't seem to want to be in it with.  _Well, I guess we can put the notion of forgiveness up on the shelf.  Guess he really meant what he said last night after all._

This hurt worse than a staff blast to the heart.  Well he’d certainly learned a valuable lesson from all of this.  The very next time a lost and lonely archaeologist crossed his path looking for a helping hand he’d just pass right on by. 

Sure ya will, Jack.  Sure ya will. 

Jack just sat there and let him go.  Not that he could do anything else.  He’d catch up with Daniel a little later.  He knew exactly where he was going. 

After giving him some time to get there, Jack wearily got to his feet and followed. 

He quietly and carefully sat himself down against the door of the store room, thinking wryly to himself even though Daniel was unquestionably brilliant in some ways, when it came to certain other things he was endearingly dense. Like for instance how he imagined he would be able to hide in a top-secret military installation whose corridors were lousy with surveillance cameras which made tapes of everyone’s comings and goings.  Tapes which could be used to good advantage by determined individuals with time on their hands. 

Daniel’s secret spot hadn’t been a secret for very long.  Jack had made it his business to find out where he disappeared to from time to time; telling himself it was part of his job to know as much as he could about his subordinates.  And most of the time, he actually believed it. 

Now he sat here, head in his hands, listening to the sound of Daniel’s low, sad voice coming from the other side of the door and wondered why he'd come.  If it wasn’t to kick the door in and try to talk some sense into Daniel – or pound it into him – whatever worked – why was he here? 

Because he had to do something.  Even if that something was to make himself face what he had done. 

All the concern in the world counted for squat right now.  Daniel had made it more than plain he didn't want a thing from him.  Which meant he wouldn't take anything either. Daniel hated him.  Not too many ways around that one.   Still, Jack couldn’t stand the thought of him being completely alone, especially at a time like this.  Even though there was a door between them, even though Daniel wouldn’t know he was there, still, he would be here just the same.  It was the least he could do. 

Jack sat there, making himself listen, until the sound of Daniel’s voice gradually subsided, trailed away and finally stopped.  It seemed to take forever, but after a sufficiently long interval of silence Jack was sure Daniel had finally fallen asleep.  Then and only then did he pull himself to his feet and slowly walk away, to try and find a few hours of oblivion himself. 


	4. Reconnaissance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Daniel is away, Jack explores...

"In-coming traveller," the duty Sergeant announced in an efficient voice Jack found mildly irritating. He jammed his hands in his pockets and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible as he paced the control room. Waiting. Three weeks of waiting. Crap. He hated waiting.

 

_Robert, I swear, if you've let anything happen to him you're a dead man_.

 

The Sergeant was speaking again, telling Jack what he already knew. The Marines were coming home. Bringing Daniel back with them. He'd hang here just long enough to see everyone got home okay. Just a couple more minutes. Couldn't spare any more time than that. After all, there were so many important things waiting for him, demanding his attention. Games of solitaire to be played, paperclips to be counted.

 

Figures were starting to materialize on the ramp. Quite a stream of them, loaded down with gear and equipment. Looking tired but triumphant from their three-week off world training exercise, happy to be back and equally eager to be set loose. Jack smiled wryly to himself. He knew the feeling.

 

His eyes scanned the faces of the men who continued to come through the gate, still not seeing the one he most wanted to see. The one he'd not seen for three weeks. The one he had barely seen for the month previous to that, except when it absolutely had to present itself to his view in the line of duty.

 

Jack pressed closer to the glass of the control room, trying not to become anxious. If there had been anything wrong - if anyone had been hurt, they would already know it. _Relax, Jack, he probably just got lost on his way back to the gate. Someone is probably rounding him up this very minute._

 

_That was low, Jack. You know a lot better than that by now._

 

He certainly did. After three weeks of immersing himself in Daniel's world, he knew a lot differently. About a great many things.

 

Turnabout was fair play, after all. Whatever his reasons for doing so, Daniel had been spending a fair amount of time in another world as well. Playing in a different sandbox with a bunch of new friends. Not with him, but if he couldn't be there, Jack had to concede Daniel couldn't have asked for better playmates than Makepeace and his boys.

 

He wasn't exactly certain how the whole thing had started. Danny and the Marines, that is. There was a story floating around Makepeace had broken up a little bit of an - altercation - between Daniel and a couple of marines down in the exercise room. It wasn't clear if it was an actual fight and if it was who had started it, but the upshot was Robert had taken Daniel under his wing and next thing Jack knew, Danny was hanging out with the Makepeace and Company. On a fairly regular basis.

 

Whenever SG-1 wasn't off world Daniel was an honorary Jar Head. He worked out with them, trained with them, from all accounts did a few other things with them causing Jack to take more than a few mental step-backs when he heard about them. Whatever was going on, it appeared that Daniel was more than holding his own. Getting quite a reputation for himself. And more than earning the acceptance of his new buddies.

 

_Good for you, kid. Always knew you had it in you. Guess it was easier to find it without someone always cutting you down._

 

Whatever Daniel was picking up from hanging out with his new friends, it was sticking. Daniel's performance during their recent missions had been exceptional. Daniel looked like one of them, acted like one of them - moved like a soldier. He'd definitely acquired some skills. He didn't stick out any more, had lost that edge of uncertainty often slowing down his reaction time. What he was doing was becoming instinctive, a part of him.

 

Jack knew that this should have made him happy. I mean, isn't this what he'd always been pressing Daniel to become - part of the team, part of the program? Isn't this what he'd always wanted? A more 'military' Daniel?

 

Well, Daniel was finally doing it. Jack had what he'd always wanted.   Daniel was playing the game and from all indications he was getting on just swell.

  
Why did it all feel so wrong?

 

It was a question that haunted him mercilessly until he was able to get some answers. From Daniel himself. Or rather - from Daniel's words.

 

The opportunity for Jack's study had presented itself rather unexpectedly a little over three weeks ago when Makepeace had made his request. Every six months Robert took his boys to P2G-B7S, also affectionately known as the 'The Playpen', an uninhabited and fairly wild place that offered an interesting diversity of terrain features and conditions within a twenty mile radius of the Stargate. In fact, the place had the feeling that once upon a time it had been used for exactly what the SGC was using it for now: an off world field training site. In this convenient and accommodating place it was possible to engage in any number of battle, survival and training scenarios under optimum field conditions and still enjoy the convenience of being only a 'gate' away from base. Not to mention not having to worry about their activities in any way impacting on any indigenous population. Which gave it a hands-down leg-up over trying to carry on in a similar way here at home.  
  


Jack recalled that the exchange with Robert had been more than a bit strained. On both sides. Makepeace had talked around his main objective for a bit; fishing to find out how much Jack knew and then to discover how he felt about what he was hearing. Jack didn't make it difficult for him to ask what he wanted, but didn't give him anything either.

 

In fact, the whole thing had the rather bizarre flavour of a guy trying to figure out the best way to ask his best friend if he could date his sister.

 

It took a bit, but Makepeace finally laid it out. His team was going off world for some fun and games and they wanted to take their new friend Daniel with them was Jack okay with that?  
  


Okay? He was as about okay with the idea of Daniel being out of his sight and off the planet for three weeks as he was okay having someone break all his fingers with a ball peen hammer. Even if Daniel was going to be surrounded the whole time by a pack of Marines who liked him. But if Daniel wanted to go...

 

Well, the timing was certainly right. SG-1 was definitely due for some down time. If Daniel wanted to use his free time to play soldier, than who was he to stand in his way? He told Robert to go ahead and make the request; he'd add his okay to everything. Then he waved him out so he wouldn't have to see the mixed look of relief and anticipation on Makepeace's face as the man tried to tender his thanks by means of yet more 'fishing' conversation.

__Forget it Robert. You got your way. You're not getting anything else from me.  
  


_ Except Daniel. _

_ Lucky bastard. _

 

Then Makepeace was gone, leaving him in an empty office with a big, empty feeling inside of him that only got bigger when he encountered Daniel in the corridor a short time later.

 

A pretty rare occurrence these days. Somehow they had both developed an instinct for knowing where the other was so as to not be in the same place at the same time. That it was actually happening could only mean that one of them had screwed up, or one of them had wanted it to happen.

 

He wasn't long finding out.

 

Daniel stopped and drew himself up as soon as he saw him. His expression was as guarded as his posture.

 

"Jack."

 

Nothing there. He could have been asking him for directions or the time of day.

 

"Daniel."

 

Well, two could play this game.

 

"Colonel Makepeace told me you approved his request. I just wanted to say thank you."  
  


"I wasn't aware that what you did with your free time was any of my business," he'd immeidately responded.  Proving he hadn't lost his touch when it came to acting like an asshole.

 

Crap. Well at least he had managed to shut himself up before he'd added the "any more."  
  


Daniel closed his eyes for a brief second and sighed. As the sorrowful exhalation exuded from him so did the tension in his body and he sagged with painfully apparent resignation. When his eyes opened again they were bleak and distant.

 

"Never mind," he murmured, turning to walk away.

 

_Say something - you idiot! Don't let him leave like this!_

 

"Daniel!"

 

_He's stopped. He's listening. He's waiting. SAY something._

 

"Uh - take care of yourself."

 

Was he seeing things, or did Daniel's shoulders slump, just a little more?

 

"I will." Flat tone, emotionless.  He hesitated for a moment but didn't turn around or look back. "You too."

 

That was all. Then walked away, and Jack let him.

 

Hours after he'd gone to bed Jack lay awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand why. He finally fell asleep no wiser for his efforts.

 

Two days later Daniel was gone. Jack had watched him go, surrounded by a throng of enthusiastic and excited men thumping him on the back and ushering him forward whole-heartedly into the coming adventure. He watched Daniel walk through the gate without a single backward glance. As a matter of fact at the time he'd been standing just about where he was standing right now.

 

However, there was a huge, honking world of difference between the man he had been then and who he was now.

 

There he was with some downtime but Daniel had gone - ditched him for the Marines. Then Teal'c had departed to the Land of Light to spend his leave with his family. Finally rounding out the set of deserters Carter came to see him to inform him her father had invited her to come for a visit and she had decided to go but before she could take off, could she ask the Colonel to do a favour for her.

 

Really, it was for Daniel, she'd explained. Apparently she had promised him she would keep an eye on his place while he was gone, water the plants, feed the fish, and she'd agreed to do so before her own invite had come through but now she had a slight problem.   Seeing as she was going to be leaving as well, she was just wondering \- since he had no plans - apparently - would the Colonel mind very much...

 

The Colonel wouldn't mind at all.  Like she'd so helpfully pointed out, what else did he have to do?

 

That was how, later that evening, he found himself in Daniel's apartment. Ostensibly to feed the fish. That took about thirty seconds leaving Jack with a fair chunk of time left to fill.  

  
So, there he was with nothing to do and in Daniel's apartment.  Nothing to do, nothing to do.  Well, seeing as how he was already here, maybe he should just...hang out.  Why the heck not?  He'd been here one or two times, not a lot, there were a couple of rooms he hadn't seen.  Daniel had a lot of cool stuff in the place maybe he should check some of it out.  Who would it hurt to take a look around?  Yeah, that's what he'd do, he'd hang out, look around some.  Get the feel of the place.  Daniel wouldn't mind.  
  


Jack parked himself on Daniel's sofa, surveying the quiet, pleasantly appointed room, feeling the essence of the man who lived here seeping into him from the residual 'Daniel-ness' tangibly permeating the very air he was breathing. Even though the owner of the apartment was millions of miles away - literally - Jack could still feel his presence.  But then, Daniel always seemed to make wherever he was a little better for having been there.  Even long after he'd gone. Back home on his own turf Jack had frequently noticed after those time Daniel had paid him a visit and hung out for awhile his presence would still subtly, lingeringly remain, like he'd imprinted part of his spirit on the place, long after he'd gone.  That warm sense of 'Daniel' in the air even though he was absent was then, as it was now. Comforting.

 

He didn't feel like a stranger or an intruder here. There was a feeling of acceptance in the place wrapping around him, a comforting rightness at being in Daniel's space embracing him. Even though Daniel wasn't even here, for the first time since he and Daniel had fallen out, Jack felt good.

 

It was right about then that he noticed the note. He couldn't understand how he hadn't seen it before, lying as it was, in plain sight, on the coffee table before him. If it had teeth, it would have bit him, for crying out loud.

 

No salutation, no signature. But definitely written in Daniel's distinctive, slightly flamboyant hand.

 

_ Make yourself at home _

_ My place is your place. _

_ Beer's in the fridge. _

_ Try not to kill the fish. _

 

Deeply confused, Jack put the note back down on the table. Seeing as how Daniel had left custody of his fish to Sam, then the note he'd just read must have been for her. But it didn't sound like the kind of parting instructions Daniel would have left for Sam. Especially the killing the fish bit. That sounded like it was directed at someone who most assuredly wasn't Sam.

 

Three guesses who, Sherlock.

 

Jack got up and went to the fridge to get one of the beers he'd been promised, starting to suspect he was a victim of a conspiracy.

 

Well, if he had been set up he fully intended to spring the trap. _My place is your place, huh?_  
  


As far as he was concerned he'd just been given carte blanche to do pretty much whatever he pleased, here.  So, if he pleased to do a little snooping around in Daniel's digs he could proceed without guilt or responsibility because he'd been given the green light to make himself at home from the man himself.   


  
Daniel didn't honestly think he could throw him a bone like this and _not_ expect him to run with it?  


  
Of course it also occurred to him by sniffing the bait he was doing exactly what Daniel wanted him to do which caused him to further wonder - why?  Why had Daniel arranged for him to be here and then practically dared him to pry into his life behind his back?  Something he would normally never, ever want Jack to do, never mind encouraging him.   


  
Why indeed?  So many questions, so few answers.  And why the heck was he standing here asking himself stupid question when he could be prowling around, poking and snooping?  


  


At first Jack contented himself with surface snooping without digging too deep. Looking, touching, peeking into nooks and crannies. Inspecting the various curious treasures he unearthed in the process.  However, as he started delving deeper he  began to find interesting curiosities tucked away out of sight in some very unusual places.  Which of course prompted him to start searching even farther off the beaten track and that's when things started to get _really_ interesting.

 

Daniel was a ticket stub/matchbook/meaningless but meaningful souvenier/momento saver. Not that Jack was surprised to learn this about him.  Archaeologist, after all.  They went nuts over other peoples' garbage so it wouldn't be a stretch to presume they could be a tad anal about hanging onto their own.  That probably had a lot to do with not only why Daniel saved all this junk but why he took the further interesting step of caching and concealing his treasures as well. Or not. Whatever Daniel's reason for this bizarre behaviour, while it made for an interesting exploration rapidly turning the whole enterprise into a treasure hunt, Jack couldn't help but wonder at the inner workings of a mind apparently compelled to so thoroughly secret the physical reminders of its most cherished memories, hiding them so effectively and completely they were barely accessible even to the one for whom they had meaning.  


  
It was almost as if - while Daniel was unwilling to let go of even the smallest tangible piece of his past - while he wanted to _have_ it he also didn't want to be _reminded_ of it.  


 

Daniel had stuff hidden - everywhere. From poems secreted between the pages of a book to a lock of thick, curling raven hair carefully preserved in a beautiful silk hand-embroidered bag placed in an envelope taped to the bottom of a drawer. Jack started to see a pattern emerging in the type of objects that were the most concealed and how difficult it was to find them.

 

Personal mementos and 'pieces' of the people in Daniel's life. That's what he was hiding.  The more important they were to him, the more profoundly they were hidden away. So far, Jack had not found anything that could be said to be something Daniel was saving that related to him. That meant either he meant an awful lot to Daniel, or he meant nothing.

 

Or he had gone through and destroyed everything already.  Now that was a depressing thought.

 

Then Jack found them. Sitting in a neat pile on the bedside table as if they had been placed there especially for his convenience. Daniel's journals. Without the slightest qualm, Jack picked up the top volume, walked back out into the living room, put his feet up, grabbed his now warm beer and began to read.

 

Promptly discovering where Daniel had been hiding his 'pieces' of Jack O'Neill.

 

It had taken a very long time to read all the way through the pile of volumes. Almost all the time he had been allotted to do it in. It had not been easy to do. Many times he only been able to read a brief passage before overwhelming emotion had caused him to put the book down, get up and just go. Jack had done more reading, walking and thinking in the past three weeks than he'd had occasion to do in quite a long while. Also a fair amount more learning.

 

The man he encountered in those pages was one he had always known. What he hadn't known was how much _more_ there was of what he already knew. Daniel spared himself nothing in his frank personal revelations. In fact, for the most part he was far more unkind to himself than he needed to be. As well as far more forgiving than most people realized. Himself included.

 

One thing for sure - Daniel had one _hell_ of a nerve accusing _him_ of an overdeveloped sense of 'responsibility'. From what he'd seen in those journals Doctor Jackson had a guilt complex only slightly smaller than the known universe. As soon as he had enough time to get around to it, Jack was sure Daniel would find a way to take the blame for original sin.

 

He had no doubt in his mind Daniel had meant for him to do this. The amount of personal courage that decision must have taken astonished Jack, for the stark and uncompromising honesty of the revelations entrusted to him left very little of Daniel not laid open to his full view. It also left Jack with the complete freedom of choice. What he made of what he had learned and what he opted to do with it -  up to him.

 

For even though he had most of it, he didn't have all of it. The last journal, the one that dealt with what had happened that night, and the time since then, was not there. Of course it wasn't - it was the most recent one. It was the one Daniel had with him.

 

Daniel may have opened himself up to scrutiny but he still wasn't going to make what was happening now any easier. What Jack did next was completely in his own hands, and completely up to him.

 

Daniel had made the first overture. What was Jack's response?

 

For starters, he was standing in the control room, still waiting for the man to come through the damned gate already!

 

Suddenly, two men walked through the event horizon. One man had his arm around the shoulders of the other. Makepeace. And Daniel! Jack clamped his jaw shut just in time to avoid actually shouting out his name. Which would have been a really bright thing to do considering it was not like Daniel could have heard him or anything.

 

Jack hugged himself, unable to suppress a surge of pride at the sight of the triumphant returning 'warrior' Makepeace was escorting down the ramp into the arms of his waiting companions. Jesus. Look at him!

 

Daniel was - glowing. Not just because of the fact that his hair was near bleached blonde by the sun and his skin was burnished golden no doubt by the same influence. He was radiating self-confidence and overwhelming happiness to the extent that he was an incandescent, noticeable presence in the midst of men who crowded around him; vocally affirming he was indeed one of them.

 

That was his boy. Making friends wherever he went. Well, why the hell not? Who could get to know this man, and not love him?

 

Jack stood silently, watching as the Marines cheered and applauded Daniel's arrival. Watched as he looked visibly touched and pleased by their approval, and not a little bit embarrassed. Saw unmistakable proof of how happy he was.

 

And could not help but notice that Daniel's present condition had absolutely nothing at all to do with anything having to do - with him.

 

Right up until this moment Jack had been unsure of what his next move was. Now, looking at Daniel, he thought he had his answer.

 

Daniel didn't need him any more. He had worked it out, had moved beyond him. He had new friends now. From the looks of things, they were much better friends to him in the short time he had been in their lives than Jack O'Neill had ever been.

 

Time to let Daniel go and somehow try to go on with whatever was left.

 

His heart a lump of lead inside him, Jack was preparing to turn away, when suddenly, as if he had only just become aware of the eyes upon him, Daniel looked up and saw him.

 

Jack froze; not wanting to see the last rejection he knew was coming, and yet unable to look away.

 

Eyes that were impossibly blue and clear against the glowing, golden skin looked at him and shone. It didn't seem possible, and yet the man who was already aglow with contentment suddenly blazed all the more brightly with a joy  spontaneously arising within him in response to Jack's presence. Daniel saw him and smiled. Not just smiled. Beamed like a lighthouse beacon. Right into his eyes, straight to his heart, everything Daniel was. Which was all pretty damned glad to see him, apparently, and not at all caring who saw or knew.

 

_The feeling is mutual, Danny._

 

Maybe he should just rethink that 'letting go' stuff..


	5. Denouement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel returns home to discover Jack holds the key.

There was no point in sticking around waiting; Daniel was going to be a little while.  By the time he was all finished with the post-exercise once-over at the hands of Dr Fraiser's capable minions Daniel was going to be tired, hungry and definitely of a mind to be homeward bound.  Jack smiled to himself as he walked down the corridor leading to the elevator to the surface.  It was a pretty safe bet Daniel would go straight home, and he’d best be at Daniel’s place when he got there, because he knew something the good Doctor didn’t know yet. 

But would probably be finding out any time now, much to his annoyance. 

Jack grinned again as he dangled his key ring in one hand, the key to Daniel’s apartment passed onto him by Carter jangling along with the other little soldiers on the ring.  He had one key.  He also happened to know the spare was still in a drawer in Daniel’s kitchen. 

Yup.  Daniel was definitely going to be annoyed.  This could be fun. 

Jack took his time on the drive over, stopping off to pick up a pizza.  While he waited for the order to be filled he ignored the kid behind the counter prattling on about who knew what and looked out the window, remarking to himself what a goddamn gorgeous day it was.  The sun had been shining when he'd gone down into the mountain but for some reason it looked a whole lot brighter to him now. 

The machine was answering the call as he let himself in the door.  Jack only caught the tail end of the message before Daniel’s slightly harried voice replaced it. 

“Uh… is anybody there?  I hope?  Hello?   Hello?  Oh  - **##$!!@!*#!!** &@@!!!!**” 

Jack widened his eyes in mock shock.  “Doctor Jackson, such _language!_   From a linguist, yet!” 

“Arrrgggh!  I don’t believe this! Jack?  Jack?  If you’re not there yet, I hope you’re on the way. You’re not at home and you don’t seem to be here…  Anyway –  ah, I kinda need to find you.  I…ah  - I don’t seem to have a key.  I thought both keys were on the ring when I…uh, but it looks like…not…  Oh  why am I telling the machine this – it’s not like Jack is going to check my messages!  Wait a minute!  Jack!  I know you’re there!  Pick up the damned phone!  I’m not kidding!  Jack!  This isn’t **FUNNY** , Jack!” 

_ I beg to differ, Doctor Jackson, this is downright hysterical. _

Jack chuckled as he bore the pizza and libations into the kitchen.  Daniel would yell at the machine for a few moments longer, then he’d give up and come home.  Jack popped the pizza into the oven to keep it warm, put the beer in the fridge so it wouldn't be warm and helped himself to one while he was at it.  On the way back to the couch he stopped by the fish tank.  Which still contained all its original occupants no replacements or substitutes required. 

He peered at the tank’s residents for a moment, then addressed them. 

“Hey, guys – look excited.  Daddy’s coming home.” 

No reaction.  Stupid fish.  That’s gratitude for you. 

Well, maybe they weren’t excited, but he was.  And suddenly, a little nervous.  Granted not long ago Daniel had thrown him a look full of ‘hey glad to see ya’, but that didn’t change the fact their last encounter before he'd gone had been less than cordial.  Mostly his fault. 

_ Okay, Jack, that’s enough of that.  Don’t buy trouble.  Let the man get here and you can find out what’s going on from him. _

After what seemed to Jack to be a span of time bordering on eternity he heard the distinct sound of grumbling outside the apartment door.  The door was unlocked.  All Daniel had to do was turn the knob and push.  He didn't even have to whistle. 

Jack had intended to play it nice and casual.  He was just going to sit and wait for Daniel to make his grand entrance like Daniel coming home was no big deal and he hadn't been here the whole time waiting for him about to jump out of his skin with impatience.  That was the plan, but for some reason Jack was on his feet and moving swiftly toward the door as it began to swing open.  He was already standing in front of it as Daniel backed into the apartment, weighed down by a rather large duffel bag looking very full and very heavy. 

Geez, the thing was almost large enough to be a body bag.  What in the hell did Daniel bring along with him on his little outing anyway?  Lawn furniture? 

Jack pushed the distracting thought out of his head as he prepared himself for the moment when Daniel turned around and saw him standing there. 

Which was, right about - now. 

Daniel dropped the bag, which hit the floor with a hollow thud.  He looked very tired, and distracted. He registered Jack’s presence with a look of casual gratefulness both relieving and disappointing. 

“Well, thank God you were here!”  Daniel blew the hair out of his eyes with a sharply directed exhalation and pushed the glasses slipping down his nose back up where they were supposed be.  “I really wasn’t looking forward to sitting in the hall.” 

“How do you see like that?"  Jack grinned at him.  "Through all that hair, I mean.   You should get that cut, you know.” 

“Ya think?”  Daniel sighed as he leaned back up against the door and closed his eyes. 

Neither man moved or spoke.  The air between them was not so much tense as uneasy.  They eyed each other uncertainly, neither one knowing exactly what came next. 

Daniel looked at him, the warmth in his eyes attenuating his neutral expression. 

“Jack.” 

Only one word was spoken, but it said very clearly,  “It’s good to see you.” 

“Daniel.” 

His one word said, “What took you so long?  You know how much I hate waiting!” 

“I – I don’t hate you,” Daniel blurted out suddenly as if someone had jabbed him with a very sharp pin. 

“I don’t hate you either,” Jack returned.  Well, he didn’t. 

“Sorry about…” 

“Ah, me too.” 

“I didn’t mean – “ 

“I know you didn’t” 

“It’s just – I mean – I thought… “ 

“Don’t worry about it.“ 

“Um…  ah…” 

Daniel seemed to have lost the ability to speak.  He wasn’t looking too comfortable either.  He was definitely tensed up in full flight mode, except there was nowhere for him to go.   If Daniel tried to become any more ‘one’ with that door he was going to either have to apologize to it – or marry it. 

Jack sighed, shook his head, took one giant step forward and sucked Daniel into the biggest bear hug he had in him.  Daniel’s arms were around him only a split second later, returning the embrace with equally impressive vigour. 

Can’t beat your simple, basic, tried and tested frontal assault.  Especially when the resistance isn’t even token. 

“Welcome home, Danny.” 

They held the embrace for a few seconds longer and then drew back, still holding onto each other by the arms.  Jack looked Daniel up and down and grinned. 

“Hey, look at you!   Had a good time at camp, did we?    I think you’ve grown a couple of inches!” 

Daniel rolled his eyes and started to push Jack gently aside.  “Jack, I’m 33 years old.  I think.  I’m not going to get any taller.” 

Jack shrugged and slapped Daniel on the back.  “Whatever you say, but –“ 

He broke off, dismayed, as Daniel visibly winced as a result of the light blow. 

“What is it?”  He snapped.  “Are you hurt? What’s wrong?  **WHAT HAPPENED?** ” 

Daniel pulled abruptly away from him and moved quickly down the steps, farther into the apartment.  He was rubbing his right shoulder, his cheeks flushing with sudden annoyance and the beginnings of anger. 

“It’s nothing,” he mumbled.  “I just wrenched my shoulder a bit… whenAlbertsongrabbedmebeforeInearlywentover…” 

Jack was charging down the steps after him, in full no-one-leaves-here-before-I-get-the-whole-story-that’s-what-I-get-for-letting-you-out-of-my-sight-for-five-minutes mode. 

To be brought up short by Daniel who had whirled around and was eyeing him hotly in full it’s-none-of-your-business-I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it-I-can-take-care-of-myself –I-don’t-need-a-damned-keeper mode. 

He glared at Daniel. 

Daniel spit right back in his eye. 

Crap.  Déjà vu. 

Isn’t this how this whole mess started in the first place? 

From the look on his face, Daniel was coming to the same conclusion. 

One second he had been staring daggers at Jack, sputtering angrily as he searched unsuccessfully for words.  Then, his eyes widened in horror and dismay, he bit his lip as his angry face was transformed by a look of contrition and deep shame.  His eyes were suspiciously bright and as Jack watched, they began to slowly fill.  Daniel looked as if he was about to shatter into a million pieces. 

“I’m sorry,” he gulped, starting to back away.  “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” 

He was turning, about to run away.  Again. 

No way.  Not this time.  Wasn’t going to happen. 

Before Daniel could bolt Jack had him.  He reached out, wrapping his arms around the man before him, pinning Daniel’s arms to his sides and pulling him in close so he had very little room to struggle.  Jack held him fast, encircled and imprisoned in a vice-like grip of concern Daniel fought bitterly against as if Jack’s embrace was a deadly python squeezing the life out of him.  Daniel struggled against his restraint with such earnest panic Jack almost let him go simply because he couldn’t stand to think he was causing him such distress, even in trying to help him. 

But he held on.  It was the only way to reach him.  The only way to make Daniel understand.  Words wouldn’t do it.  They didn’t have the power to make Daniel really _believe_ in what was here for him.  What he deserved to have, just as much as everyone else.  Words were what got them into trouble in the first place.  What almost always got them into trouble.  This – this was different.  This was real.  This is what Daniel would finally understand. 

Jack braced himself and locked his arms resolutely against Daniel’s struggles to escape him.  He wasn't sure how he knew, but he had to hold on.  Reaching out to hug Daniel in the first place had been an entirely instinctive reaction.  It also was the absolutely correct thing to do. It was exactly what Daniel needed him to do. 

Exactly why Daniel had wanted him to be here while he wasn't. 

It was all making sense now.  Daniel giving him the key and carte blanche to his place and by default, his life.  Making himself an open book, literally, by leaving the journals where he knew Jack would find them.  Knowing Jack well enough to know damned well he would read them.  All so Jack would be able to know what Daniel needed from him - had always needed but had never been able to ask. 

What did Daniel need? What did he need from Jack? Simply what he was doing for him right now – holding onto him and not letting him run.  Not letting Daniel run from him, from his concern, from his very touch.    For Daniel’s dark secret was his great fear of the simple, basic human need of one human being for another. 

Daniel’s overwhelming compassion for others did not extend to himself.  What he gladly gave to others he would not allow himself to experience.  If you have no expectations, you can’t be disappointed.  If you make yourself believe you have no desires, than not having them met will not inconvenience you.  If you don’t allow you have the need to let anything touch you, then it won’t be a problem if nothing does. 

It was funny, really.  Daniel was one of the smartest people Jack knew, and he almost always had this uncanny sense for what was right.  However, in this simple, essential, very human truth, Daniel had things all wrong. 

To allow yourself to be human wasn’t a weakness.  Needing the companionship and caring of other people wasn’t something to be ashamed of.  Everybody needed someone.  Even someone like Daniel who hadn't had anyone for most of his life.  Convincing yourself you didn't need because you couldn't have didn't mean you still didn't need underneath all that vigorous denial. 

Part of Daniel had finally figured this out, and now was fighting with the other part of him shit scared of facing the reality of his own denied desires.  Right now it was anybody’s guess which part was going to win.  And Jack’s job was to just stand here and keep both parts from heading for the hills while they duked it out. 

Poor kid.  He'd been running away from this all his life, putting out with his heart and soul but never letting any of it come back to him for fear if he let his guard down and let himself enjoy it someone would take it all away from him.  Anytime anyone had come close to making him want to take that final leap of faith he'd found a way to run away. 

 Sha’uri had almost made it.  Daniel had been on the verge of finally letting someone love _him_ – which was not the same as him loving _them_ – when he'd found the cartouche room.  And he was off and running again. Unburying the gate, trying to make it work; a new, unattainable outward desire to focus on so he didn't need to concern himself with the inner one. His restlessness, his curiosity, the nameless 'something' driving him to seek, strive, explore, reach beyond; all were simply different expressions of the one, simple driving need he possessed – to run away from his own lack of interior fulfillment.  Quieting the inner hunger by turning it out into a boundless quest for the satisfaction of external, intellectual curiosity. 

The greater the unacknowledged inner need, the greater the external drive.  The quest to find Sha’uri was a perfect example of this.  He honestly wanted - needed to find her, but he was driven more by his guilt at having ‘failed to protect her’ and the responsibility he felt as her husband to bring her home than any deep, genuine emotional need to have her present in his here and now.  That ‘need’ - he'd never allowed himself to admit he possessed. 

Meeting Shyla had tipped the balance.  Encountering oneself in the mirror has a tendency to do that.  For if Daniel was one polarity of the need for basic human love and understanding expressed as its complete and utter abnegation, then Shyla was the other end of the spectrum.  Need as a deep, dark black hole driving the person desperate to satisfy it to any lengths to get what they felt would do the job.  Shyla had recognized nothing but her own need.  Allowed for the rights and needs of no one but herself.   She'd permitted nothing to deter her from forcing Daniel to satiate her desire against his will. 

Need in Shyla.  Need in Daniel.    Equally dark and desperate to have its own way at any cost.    Whether the captive cared to acknowledge its existence or not.  Owned or ignored, it drove them just the same.  Daniel was only beginning to discover just because you didn’t want something to be so, didn’t mean it wasn’t so anyway. 

Something in Daniel had finally realized he couldn't expunge and eradicate his own human nature through force of will or distracting denial.  He could run from it but he couldn’t make it go away.  That ‘something’ trying so hard to at last haul him into the fold of humanity was what had brought them to where they were right now.  Holding on for dear life.  Waiting to see which side would win. 

The struggles of the man in his arms were beginning to lessen.  He'd put up quite a fight, but Jack hadn’t let go, and now Daniel had either come to some sort of a decision, or he'd just plain tired himself out.   At last he hung limply in Jack’s arms, collapsed against him, breathing heavily with the force of his exertions.  What came next?  Which way was it gonna go? 

Jack gently loosened his grip.  His arms still surrounded his friend, but if Daniel wanted to break free he could.  Jack hugged him, held him close and waited. 

Daniel didn’t run.  Didn’t move for a long time.  Jack waited.  Saying nothing. 

Daniel began to tremble.  A wave moved through him and he shook, and then his arms came up, wrapping around Jack, clinging desperately.   He didn’t make a sound, just held on like a drowning man as Jack held him up, the tremors working their way through him and beyond. 

 “How you doing down there?”  Jack finally asked, gently, once Daniel had stopped shaking. 

Daniel’s only response was a slight shrug of his shoulders and a faint movement of his head against Jack’s chest. 

“Hungry?”  Jack continued. 

Daniel sighed.  “Yeah.”  His voice was a little muffled, but sounded good otherwise. “I thought I smelled something.  What – you cooked?” 

“More like fetched.”  Jack returned.  “Specialty of the house.” 

Daniel’s head came up, definite interest on his face.  “Mario’s?  Extra cheese, pepperoni and mushrooms?” 

“You know it,” Jack grinned. 

“Omigod, I’ve been dreaming about one of those for the last three days.  That’s so great!  I’m starving!” 

“Then what are we standing here for, let’s go dig in.” 

While they ate Daniel told him about his adventures with the Marines.  As Jack listened and watched him, he couldn't help but notice there was a new looseness about his friend.  As if he was suddenly more comfortable in his own skin.  Daniel’s words flowed freely, without the self-conscious internal censor he always seemed to have aimed at himself whenever he was forced to talk about any topic even remotely related to Daniel Jackson. 

Daniel’s recapitulation of his adventures was drawing to a close.  Jack took a sip of beer and rubbed the back of his neck, gathering his thoughts. 

“That's quite a tale,” he began.  “Sounds like you had a lot of fun, but I am hoping from now on you’re not going to get into this soldier thing on a regular basis.” 

Daniel favored him with a puzzled look.  Jack scratched his head and frowned. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what I mean is…ah, not that I’m not glad you've picked up a few skills…it’s good to see you can handle yourself a little better out there in the field  and all…but… Daniel, the last thing the world needs is another soldier.  Don’t turn into one.  It’s not who you are.” 

Daniel smiled.  “Thanks,” he said softly.  ‘But don’t worry, there’s no danger of that happening.” 

“Good,” Jack took refuge in another sip of beer.  “Just wanted to…clear that point up.” 

They both relaxed; a few beers disappeared on both sides, what was now evening wore on.  Daniel was much looser now, due mostly to a combination of the aftermath of three weeks of regular, fairly physical exertion combined with a low alcohol tolerance.  From the trouble Daniel seemed to be having keeping his eyes open Jack wondered if it wasn’t time for him to mosey so his friend could get some of the sleep it looked like he really needed. 

But Daniel wasn’t quite finished talking yet. The floodgates, having finally been opened, were not to be denied their opportunity for expression. 

“…even though I didn’t want to do it, I thought – I thought if you knew about it you’d…” 

Jack came back to what Daniel was saying as the significance of his words hit him. 

“I know what you thought.” he replied.  “You were wrong.  Daniel, you did nothing wrong.  You didn’t want to do it, now did you?” 

Daniel shook his head.  “I wasn’t even there.  Not really.” 

“Well then, that’s what really matters. What you did or didn't want to do.  Not what your body was being forced to do, or was having done to it.   You no more betrayed Sha’uri – or anyone else – than she is betraying you.  Not in her heart.” 

Daniel nodded, and then looked away.  When he turned back his eyes were full of the need for reassurance. 

“We will find her, won’t we Jack?”  he asked softly. 

“Yeah, Danny, we will.” Jack answered him fervently.  “We’ll never stop until we do.  That’s a promise.” 

Daniel was fading fast, and yet he still fought to stay awake.  Jack started to rise from the couch, intending to help him up in order to bundle him off to bed but Daniel grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. 

“Don’t go…” 

“Danny, you’re practically unconscious.  You need to go to bed.” 

“I know,” he replied sleepily. “It just feels so strange – not to want to be alone.”  He managed an uncertain smile.  “Not quite sure what to do with myself now.” 

“You’ll learn.”  Jack said. “For now, I’m thinking sleep is about all you'll be able to manage.” 

Finally too tired to put up a fight, Daniel allowed Jack to strong-arm him into the bedroom.  Jack took off his shoes, rescued his glasses and placed them on the bedside table, then tumbled Daniel into the bed, covered him up and was about to try and beat a quiet retreat when Daniel grabbed his arm yet again. 

He was barely aware, but the gratitude in his eyes was an intense flame. 

“Thank you for being my friend, Jack,” he whispered. 

“My pleasure," Jack smiled fondly at him.  " Go to sleep.” 

“Okay, okay.  So bossy…  Jack… I – I…” 

Jack reached down and gently stroked Daniel’s head. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he whispered.  “I know.  Me too.” 

Daniel’s eyes closed at last.  Jack lingered there, making sure he was in fact, finally – out.  He turned to look back at the sleeping man once more before leaving the room. 

“And thank you, for being mine.  Glad you could join us, Daniel Jackson.” 

FINIS


End file.
